Educational Insight | Parenting teenage children

Julian Jeffrey

Master

Parenting teenage children can represent some of the most challenging times a parent can face. Many of the parents who come in to my office are there to talk about their teenaged son or daughter. Their child has often transgressed in their behaviour, upsetting parents or teachers to a degree that can baffle and infuriate in equal measure. All parents have, of course, been teenagers themselves, but that does not make managing them any easier; teenagers seem uniquely capable of acting in ways that seem to defy human reasoning. Relationships between teenagers and their families can deteriorate quickly to the point where neither side seems willing or able to understand the other.

The move into adolescence can be a frightening time. Parents are often left bewildered by the change in their child’s temperament and relationship with his or her family. Teenagers are notoriously reluctant to communicate, preferring the sanctuary of the bedroom to the open companionship of the family. In a matter of months, a friendly and affectionate child can turn into a withdrawn, suspicious stranger. This would be difficult enough for parents to endure, were it not for the fact that their beloved child was also meant to be focused on working towards the most important examinations of their lives, as well as preparing themselves for admission to university, all whilst simultaneously snubbing offers of adult help. In this context, it is hardly surprising that many parents find themselves struggling to adjust to life with a teenager and are unsure of how to respond to this ‘new’ family member in the home.

In such an uncomfortable atmosphere, many parents seek to make concessions to their child, hoping both to appeal to his or her better nature, but also to appear more open and understanding. Others seek a more direct, confrontational approach, barking out instructions and imposing harsh punishments for perceived misconduct. Perhaps inevitably, both of these methods of getting through to a teenager usually end in failure: too much leeway, and the child seeks to push the boundaries further and further each time; not enough give-and-take, and he becomes ever more sullen and hostile. 

Teachers and pastoral staff at Wellington College are very experienced in dealing with teenagers, and I have been talking to some of my senior colleagues to sound out their advice. Three of the keys to success, they suggest, are communication, empathy and confidence. 

Firstly, communication. It lies at the heart of all good relationships. All too often, we talk to teenagers as if they were adults, sharing similar life experiences and outlook to ourselves. We may not mean to, but we impose our own logic on them; we project on them the way we would react or respond to a situation, rather than listen to the way our teenagers instinctively respond. To compound this, as parents we resort to delivering lectures, in the mistaken impression that we are offering advice. Thus, the very language we use, and crucially, the way we listen, are central to making teenagers feel alienated from the very start. Listening and talking with a respectful attitude is one important way to get through to teenagers: adults are able to control their emotions more competently than the young, so a loss of temper, however provoked, is likely to undermine effective communication.

The second piece of advice is to show empathy in your interactions. The ability to place yourself in the mind of a youngster is not easy, nor does it always come naturally, but it can be a powerful tool to help you connect. I do not mean that by placing yourself in the position of your teenager means you give in to all their demands; by showing empathy, you are more likely to communicate effectively with them by letting them know that you don’t simply dismiss their ideas, and that you understand their situation without appearing hostile or patronising. In this way, you are more likely to achieve meaningful and constructive dialogue than if your conversations always seem to begin and end as arguments.

The third suggestion is perhaps the most difficult, as it means straying outside the emotional comfort zone of most parents. Have confidence in their decisions and choices; trust them. The first response of most adults is to use their own life experience and adult logic to impose themselves on their teenager. After all, we all want to protect our children from harm - the instinctive response to what may seem to an adult to be another wild, impractical scheme is to stop it. To a young person, however, feeling his or her way through the complexities of adolescence, the constant erection of barriers by parents, however well-meaning, can result in further isolation. Here it helps to think back to one’s own time as a teenager. Reflecting on the number of times our own parents sought to protect us in this way, it is clear that (from the security of adulthood at least), their motives were well intentioned. From the perspective of a teenager, however, this approach can indicate a lack of trust and a stifling of their development as a young adult.    

Dealing with teenagers is hard for almost all parents but suffering in isolation is not inevitable. By sharing experiences, talking to teachers and other professionals, the burden can be made lighter and solutions developed. Adolescence is perhaps the single hardest time in any individual’s life, given the physical and psychological changes that we undergo during these formative years, but with the support and understanding of informed parents, the journey to adulthood can be made much more bearable.